ow not om

Oh man, I should have stayed home last night instead of going on a midnight mission to bake delicious homestyle banana bread with my pal, Chelsea. Oh, how it rocked my world. I forgot how full I was from my 1st dinner last night. I've just been craving heavy food at night and last night I dived in head first. MMM started out with a grilled cheese (finally fulfilled that dream) then had a generous portion of Chelsea and my Macacoconana nut bread. Macadamia nuts, bananas, with some coconut milk for fun. OMG I didn't think I could make it so good. It was a recipe transmitted from god through us last night. But like I said, it rocked my world from the stomach outward. I realized how my week of making the "healthy choice" decreased my tolerance for tipping the scale. Oh! and I knew it was going to hurt, but god put butter and fresh handmade banana (macacoconana nut) bread on this earth for us to enjoy it, anytime of day or night. Right? ... right? Anywhoo. Needless to say the 1a.m. sugar rush left us indeed satisfied and then some. We both looked at eachother with slight regret in our eyes as our stomach rushed trying to make room for the new arrival. We definitely found god through that bread last night. As we laid on the floor praying it would digest I just had to trust that the decadent, but not lethal bread, was an appropriate step in understanding the healing process. Let me be the poster child, I can handle the heat. As this was not the "healthiest" choice a yogi in training could be making, I felt so much gratitude for being able to bake with my friend Chelsea and kick it with no barbed wire fences. Although I am developing a spiritual practice, I do not want it to mean that I have this invisible cage keeping me from having my idea of fun. Since I try my hardest to have fun, I've come to know that fun, at any level of intensity, requires something painful. In my case, usually the pain and pleasure are experienced simultaneously or in close quarters, which I like to think of as instant karma. Like I recently learned from a new friend, "if you're going to suffer, at least enjoy it" I knew I'd suffer, but I allowed myself to be filled to the brim with joy in the form of our signature bread. The pain of regretting, and self-punishment for fucking up is much worse than just experiencing the anatomy-shifting-fullness that left me sprawled out on the floor, smiling with bread crumbs on the sides of my lips. :) My heart was full. I've had some practice (as I mentioned I like good fun) shifting my thought patterns away from the downward spiral of "stupid Megan you should know you can't eat this you shouldn't have done this you are so bad no more sugar for you good job you fucked up again." Well guess what. I'm a fuck up sometimes! I fell on my face on the path of goodness and light. I'm still here, though. Still Megan, still interested in yoga, compassion, and fruit and vegetables. My goal I suppose is to not tip the scale so far to one side. Eat when I want to eat, not eat when I don't want to eat. By doing yoga I feel I've created all this space in my belly and my tissues, I have space to do whatever I want... But it's a new effort to not need to over-fill that space. Over compensation. For what? Perhaps a fear of famine??...no... maybe I just really really learned as a young child to clean my whole plate, and finish my glass of milk. Perhaps because there have been times in my life when I had been caged with self-control and didn't allow myself to have any fun and I'm making up for lost time. When tipping the scale, know that balance will happen whether you put an effort toward it or not. When you become more enlightened, someone gets dumber. When you fuck up, someone else has an equal opportunity to help someone off their feet. It's not important to be perfect. It's important to expect balance to happen, and it's important to expect a side of suffering with your order of joix.