Bija yo mama

The days after the training are slightly sad.  It was such an amazing experience.  But alas, we must continue forward!

Ojai is a nice place to be planted after such an experience.  I'm going to go on a hike after I write this.  

The last days of the training we learned the Bija mantras, a very basic approach using chanting to clear or simply become aware of the chakras.  From the base up: Lum, Vum, Ram, Yum, Hum, Om, and Om.  You can repeat these mantras as many times as you'd like, as many times as you feel it is necessary, and after each chakra spending a moment of breathless awareness to experience the chakra.  The most difficult thing for me is "breathless awareness"  When we tried this in class I found the if I tried to suspend my breathing it wouldn't work, I'd feel out of breath, and suffocated.  But when I tried this mantra at home I relaxed the EFFORT of breath suspension and just allowed my body to fill as it needed, I noticed that I was breathing very, very slightly, almost unnoticeably.  So I had let my initial idea of "breathless awareness" to be that of NO breathing.  That made it painful really.  When I decided that I might not know exactly what is meant by "breathless awareness", and it might be a while before my body understands what to do with these mantras, I could begin to concentrate more on my personal experience of each chakra and how it was affected by the vibrations.  I started to enjoy the awareness, and the groundedness of each chakra, and I even loved all the noises that happened outside of my house walls.  I could hear birds chirping, my neighbors talking, dogs barking  crazily, cars driving by.  I was chanting for the well being of all of these things.  It interested me how each chakra had a different affect on my body.  Lum, Vum, and Ram made me feel very stable on the ground, like I was really planted.  When I got to the upper chakras I started to yawn, or cough, even hiccup and they were a little more difficult to move through and experience, but I just did as much as I could until I felt I had marinated in the mantra enough.  I love the last Om to close the practice.  This is done as a more traditional round of om, and not used with the Bija rhythm that I learned.  It really settles the effects and allows clarity to reflect on the experience.  I'd like to continue to play with the Bija mantras, and experience the effects in all of my various moods.  I think sometimes it'll be harder than other times, but it will help me to just allow things to be different, transform, and allow me an opportunity to stick to something that keeps me turning inward to experience light and life.  

Namaste

Skeleton appreciation day

Day 5,6,7? 

I'm totally, completely, fully, 100%ly excited about my experience here.  We've been doing some awesome yoga sequences that Paul and Suzee choreographed like "flying dragon" and "infant" and "golden seed"  I love all of these.  Infant sequence is the slower/softer of the three, and you can really experience this sequence as if you were a little baby.  Starting on your back, nice and easy, just exploring the first movements as if you'd never done them in your life.  So precious!  and slowly building up to "childhood" ending in standing poses.  The golden seed is slightly stronger starting off with taoist breathing, cultivating chi, it consists of about 12 poses or so including (in english!) elephant, drinking bird, rocking horse, a few twists and ideas of directing your chi towards heaven, earth, space.  Beautiful.  Then flying dragon!!  I love it.  It's more intense, like you'd think a dragon would be.  Starting off in flying dragon (which looks like warrior 3, arms out) gecko, twisted dragon, dragon wings, dragon belly, then the dragon flies OVER the ocean to do the other side... back and forth back and forth until you are practically breathing fire.  I love the balance poses.  I found the in flying dragon/warrior 3/virabhadrasana 3 my balance is better when I invert my base foot slightly.  It was so exciting because I always felt so incredibly unstable in this pose before.  I became so discouraged always in my classes thinking I had so far to go before I could learn "balance"  But in this training I've been liberated by the idea that since each of our skeletons are so different, each pose will look different.  It is always the most important thing in yoga to pay attention to how your OWN body works best.  Keeping my planted foot straight forward took my hips out of their most stable position which of course left me falling over always.  Who would have known- if I had not been freed of universal alignment ideas- that MY hips are more stable with a slight inversion of my planted foot.  Here's the really weird part, I tend to be slightly more externally rotated in the hips (which causes my legs to turn out to the side instead of in towards my center line).  I'm so excited to explore these postures that require balance/stability with a more intuitive sense, rather than a sense of doing a posture aesthetically correct.  Really the more important part is that since we are all so incredibly varied all the way down to our skeletons, I am gaining understanding and compassion for the appearance of postures that do not or even cannot ever look like what you'd see in your modern yoga picture book.  Not everyone is a model, and I'm realizing that most models are chosen based on their god given set of bones (YES! I absolutely do not doubt that these people put in time and effort to get into "advanced" postures)  Most people who have been doing yoga for years and years that still cannot do padmasana (lotus) probably never will because of boney compression that stops the movement.  Bummer, they'll never be enlightened... I guess they'll just have to give up and work in an office. No, just do what you can do, go as far as you can go, and be content.  It's a great thing to recognize your individual range of motion, and it IS finite, recognize it and maintain it through yoga practice.  When you know your skeletal range of motion, you can become more aware of what will help you when you are tight and cannot reach your (skeletal) range of motion, and take some of the pressure off trying to be the greatest most flexible yogi.  

Moral of the story: Yoga postures are ultimately limited by our own individual set of bones, not karma, or necessarily flexibility.

Peace

PGYYTT :-)

Day 2

Wait, it’s day 3 already.  (Day 1 we didn’t do any yoga really, just intro stuff)   Today I woke up feeling empowered after I dreamt that I easily kicked up into peacock pose.  Like, yea man, what’s the big deal about peacock pose? I do this in my sleep. * Only in my sleep as it turns out.  Our lessons in the morning consisted of some more discussion as to whether or not flexing the pelvis was anteriorly rotating it or posteriorly rotating it.  Totally beyond me, yet I was still with it.  I feel like since I know nothing about teaching, and know little about yoga, my mind is still very open to this new kind of knowledge. In terms of massage therapy, however, I’ve gone over this many times before.  Now is an opportunity to really drive it home and personally understand what is meant when tipping the bowl of the pelvis forward or backwards.   (The most powerful adjustment in any pose, really).  Today Suzee started our yoga practice off with a bit of yang, starting in elephant pose (legs wide, fold forward) twisting and rotating from one foot to the other back and forth, followed by 4 Taoist breath exercises (inhale arms up “gather chi” exhale to horse and press the arms out to the side, inhale the arms from the ground palms toward the body, fingers toward the earth drawing energy all the way up, exhale pressing hands down to the earth.)  We  transitioned somehow into a yin practice which involved poses I cannot now remember! We ended the sequence with an 8 minute halasana pose, which I could not even think of doing.  Me and halasana are friends and all, but it takes me a very long time to recover from that pose not matter how long I spend in it.  Like I was in it for maybe a minute, and spend five coming out of it.  I asked some other yogi ladies why it might happen, and they let me know it could be total compression of my diaphragm, not necessarily my discs in my spine.  I’ll have to investigate that further because I always felt it was my spine.  I’m open to looking closer at it.  Paul did a yin practice with us in the afternoon session, which left me feeling so whole.  Like my body was a temple.  That’s the best way I can describe it.  My digestion has been problematic for me lately, and I’m coming to realize just how stressed out I’ve been, in anticipation of so many things.  I’m beginning to unwind all that now, so when I feel my belly cramp up I am remembering to relax and take the pressure off myself.  I am  where I’ve wanted to be for so long, I might as well just plop right down and absorb it all, no pressure.

Paul Grilley's yin yoga teacher training

Day 1

 This morning I took the train into Grover Beach where Robyn picked me up.  She’s so lovely and she and her car were both really clean, and pleasant smelling.  Hallelujah.  I was unaware how short of a drive it was to get up to Atascadero.  “Central coast” is a total scene just like Ventura or SB county.  But the C coast I never heard about until now.  Colleen topped us off and we drove all the way to Land of Medicine Buddha without stopping really but once to get gas, and arrived around 4.  The moment we began to drive further into the forest my heart began to feel at home.  The redwood trees made my eyes explode.  The LMB is a place for .. what do they say? … healing and developing a good heart.  OH!  I wasn’t aware that was what I came here for, but of course!!  It turns out that’s precisely why I’ve come.  That’s precisely what all of the events leading up to this voyage were for also.  I didn’t know the answer to the question I asked a few weeks ago was in the making for the past 6 months.  This is a place to learn and unlearn what makes a good heart.  The land of medicine buddhas is so loud with beauty and peace.  Since right now I am so blissed out, it’s hard to imagine resentment, or wanting to leave this place!!  So I’m just not going to think about it yet.  Maa vidvishavahai or something.  I’m so happy to be here to learn yoga.  I’m only a little baby student who knows nothing.  I’m so lucky to know nothing.  I’m happy I’m starting here.  I will do my best here. 

My stomach isn’t 100% happy, but I’ll settle in soon enough.  The room I’m staying in with Jessica is adorable.  It’s got nice green paint, two cute twin beds, a little desk and night stand, and a bathroom with a BATHTUB!  Yesss!  There is a sauna and a pool and hiking trails galore.  Colleen, Robyn, and I walked up a trail to a temple with a gigantic statue of a buddha and the depictions on the walls made me feel so inspired to draw.  The colors seem extra vivid here, and the detail is so ornate.  What dedication and mastery. I sort of wish I brought my colored pencils now.  Oh well I’m sure I’ll find something. 

I’m going to get a massage one of these days too.  That will probably happen closer to the end of the retreat.  For now though, I’d like to get ready for bed.

 

 I AM SO IN LOVE!

fast twitch muscles need attention just like the rest of us

Well my yoga practice is on the slow train as of last night (monday) when running to first base I strained my right quads (namely the Sartorius, Vastus Lateralus, and Rectus Femoris muscles) yummy.  Probably an easy injury to experience after spending so much time opening with the help of yin (and definately yang) yoga.  I remembered that the same injury happened over ten years ago and BAM there it is again, just to say hello.  I was so bummed because I so look forward to my Monday night softball games, and it was cut short in the second inning when I took a funny step running to first base.  Once I sat down, surrendered to the idea that I should rest my leg, I finally got a chance to hear all that was buzzing around in my head.  HA HA HA  Talk about agenda.  I was reminded of my teachers words to "show up with less to do" It seems sometimes so effortful to allow myself to do less.  Backwards, I know.  Slowing down and finding myself able to look deeper and deeper inward, I also see where I've trained myself not to look (like not being mindful at a softball game).  Which reminds me where I am at as a student, which sort of makes me feel liberated...? 

I am so grateful for opportunities to speak what's on my heart, listen with my heart, and be honest.  But I also find in the after effects so much resistance to own it, and move on.   

Help me, somebody remind me that it's worth the practice and effort to be honest with where I am at.  I know the journey is inward, but is there a tour guide?  

I read some of Patanjali's yoga sutras today, and there was in particular one that resonated with me.  It was about cultivating a practice of yoga, one that catches your interest (otherwise the mind continues to wander)  and sticking to it.  Sticking to a certain method that you like helps train your mind to focus on the practice, the discipline.  If you sit in a certain pool of practice, you can start to understand the language more thoroughly as you replace old thought patterns that once drew you away from the practice. I find that when I have too many options (whether it's clothes, food, or mantras) I get distracted and give up/in more easily.  I'd like to try sticking to a yin yoga practice for now, and see where it takes me. 

om shanti   

ow not om

Oh man, I should have stayed home last night instead of going on a midnight mission to bake delicious homestyle banana bread with my pal, Chelsea. Oh, how it rocked my world. I forgot how full I was from my 1st dinner last night. I've just been craving heavy food at night and last night I dived in head first. MMM started out with a grilled cheese (finally fulfilled that dream) then had a generous portion of Chelsea and my Macacoconana nut bread. Macadamia nuts, bananas, with some coconut milk for fun. OMG I didn't think I could make it so good. It was a recipe transmitted from god through us last night. But like I said, it rocked my world from the stomach outward. I realized how my week of making the "healthy choice" decreased my tolerance for tipping the scale. Oh! and I knew it was going to hurt, but god put butter and fresh handmade banana (macacoconana nut) bread on this earth for us to enjoy it, anytime of day or night. Right? ... right? Anywhoo. Needless to say the 1a.m. sugar rush left us indeed satisfied and then some. We both looked at eachother with slight regret in our eyes as our stomach rushed trying to make room for the new arrival. We definitely found god through that bread last night. As we laid on the floor praying it would digest I just had to trust that the decadent, but not lethal bread, was an appropriate step in understanding the healing process. Let me be the poster child, I can handle the heat. As this was not the "healthiest" choice a yogi in training could be making, I felt so much gratitude for being able to bake with my friend Chelsea and kick it with no barbed wire fences. Although I am developing a spiritual practice, I do not want it to mean that I have this invisible cage keeping me from having my idea of fun. Since I try my hardest to have fun, I've come to know that fun, at any level of intensity, requires something painful. In my case, usually the pain and pleasure are experienced simultaneously or in close quarters, which I like to think of as instant karma. Like I recently learned from a new friend, "if you're going to suffer, at least enjoy it" I knew I'd suffer, but I allowed myself to be filled to the brim with joy in the form of our signature bread. The pain of regretting, and self-punishment for fucking up is much worse than just experiencing the anatomy-shifting-fullness that left me sprawled out on the floor, smiling with bread crumbs on the sides of my lips. :) My heart was full. I've had some practice (as I mentioned I like good fun) shifting my thought patterns away from the downward spiral of "stupid Megan you should know you can't eat this you shouldn't have done this you are so bad no more sugar for you good job you fucked up again." Well guess what. I'm a fuck up sometimes! I fell on my face on the path of goodness and light. I'm still here, though. Still Megan, still interested in yoga, compassion, and fruit and vegetables. My goal I suppose is to not tip the scale so far to one side. Eat when I want to eat, not eat when I don't want to eat. By doing yoga I feel I've created all this space in my belly and my tissues, I have space to do whatever I want... But it's a new effort to not need to over-fill that space. Over compensation. For what? Perhaps a fear of famine??...no... maybe I just really really learned as a young child to clean my whole plate, and finish my glass of milk. Perhaps because there have been times in my life when I had been caged with self-control and didn't allow myself to have any fun and I'm making up for lost time. When tipping the scale, know that balance will happen whether you put an effort toward it or not. When you become more enlightened, someone gets dumber. When you fuck up, someone else has an equal opportunity to help someone off their feet. It's not important to be perfect. It's important to expect balance to happen, and it's important to expect a side of suffering with your order of joix.

you can fix you

All this rearrangement of my body parts from yoga is starting to reveal compensation patterns of injuries experienced over a decade ago.  I find it most when I'm riding my bike.  It's the gracillus muscle on my right leg, deep in the hip joint.  I had this crazy vision last night of how exactly the pain has affected my whole body over time..  When I was in 3rd grade I was being chased around by my little buddy Max and I slipped on the carpet, and my right leg shot out to the side and I'm pretty sure it strained or sprained my knee.  I was in pain for a good year, but because my mom thought I was so tough she never took me to the doctor.  Not that I'm bitter...  So the injury is in the medial side of the right knee in the tissue.  Because my bent leg went out to the side rotated internally, there is now resistance to internal rotation in the hip joint.  Hence I feel much tightness in my gluteals, and the tri-force of the gracillus, piriformis, and psoas.  So, since the injury happened on the right side, my left leg took over some of the load.  To try and put as little pressure on my right knee, I stood more on my left leg.  Now I see that my left hip is bound at the ilio-sacral joint, and of course my tight butt (gluteals, psoas, piriformis, etc...) lift my left hip just slightly.  I can notice this when I am laying on my back, right leg straight, both shoulders on the ground, with left knee bent and falling to the right side.  The range of motion only allows me to rotate to the point where my knee is still about 6 inches from the ground.  I find myself short of breath if I don't move into this pose very slowly.  I have given up trying to self-adjust (crack) my lower spine because that has proven to be practically impossible as well as painful.  What HAS helped that tricky slightly rotated left hip are lunges ( to stretch the left psoas) or pigeon with left leg extended (of course counter poses are equally as important).  I think because my rear end is so tight it scrunches up my hip, so that deeep psoas stretch provides a lot of relief.  It seems sometimes that when you have a muscle that bothers you on one side, or the back of your body, it's a sign that you would benefit from opening the muscles on the front or opposite side.  (i.e. upper back pain?  open chest in the pectoralis on the anterior side to give that shoulder more room to breath)   That, I'll be clear, is something I've noticed on my own body, with the help of some well versed massage therapists.  It's helpful to get a second, third, fourth opinion and explore your different muscle groups slowly and thoughtfully.  Yoga can be a big help when you allow your breath to take you to the root of the sensation.  Yoga allows you to interpret the sensation as you know best, since you are the only one who really knows how, what, why an injury or trauma happened.  Come to a yoga class ready to explore your own body, at your own pace.   Things will unfold as they are supposed to, sometimes revealing the answers in a seemingly insignificant moment.